Recent Developments

I can't believe I haven't written for a month.  I'm not going to appologize because that would be hallow.  In truth, writing about infertility just reminds me that I'm still battling it.  And right now I'm trying to forget.  But I owe you better.  So here's a brief update:

Mr. L has accepted the position in New York.  There was fighting and crying and lots of soul searching.  If we get pregnant now I'll be about 4-5 months along when we move.  Not only will this make the move harder, but I'll be alone when trying to raise my first child.  I won't have parents, siblings, or friends there to help me.  This is obviously not ideal.  But I've never seen Mr. L want something as much as he wants this job.  I know if we don't go he'll resent me for what could have been for the rest of his life.  I can't live with that.  If it doesn't work out, we'll come back, but for now I think I owe him at least the chance to try.  My mom pormised that if we need help she'll fly out there for a few weeks.  Basically, we'll try to make it work.  And I want him to be happy.  Between 2 years of infertility, followed by large painful needles, and uprooting my life to move to New York for him, he better know how lucky he is having me as a wife.

Speaking of large, painful needles....  I'm at about day 6 on injections (not including the 2 weeks I've already been on Lupron) and oh my god! do these shots hurt.  Last cycle was not nearly this painful.  I don't know what it is, but now I'm taking 3 shots a day, and they hurt something awful.  I swear I will be beyond celebrating when I'm done with my last shot.  I'm on different drugs this time.  Braville instead of Gonal-f, and Lupron when last cycle I wasn't on it.  And the doses are double what they were last cycle, so I'm hoping that I won't need another 13 days of injections, like last cycle.  My follies seem to be growing faster this time.  I'm really hoping that retrieval will be this weekend.  Like I said, the day when I do the last injection couldn't come fast enough.  Oh, and this time around I'm on 25mg of DHEA 3 times a day and 200mg of Coenzyme Q10 2 times a day to improve the quality of my eggs.  I'm really, really hoping this is it.  I don't know what I would do if we fail 2 cycles.  I know I wouldn't give up, but I would seriously start doubting my ability to have birth children.

Ok, now I'm thinking depressing thoughts, and that's not what I want.  I've been reading.  A lot.  It helps me focus on something else.  Distracts me away from infertility.  And I have another network of firends.  Book people.  Its been wonderful in terms of keeping my mind open.  Its made me redefine myself.  I am not just an infertile.  I have interests outside of being barren.  I recommend it to all.  As much as my twitter infertility community has helped me through the toughest times, it also reminds me that I am infertile.  Sometimes I need to escape that, too.